The Best Laid Plans of Lord Voldemort
by Project Dark Overlord
Summary: Even the best laid plans can fail as Voldemort discovers during his rebirthing. Extending take down until July 1, 2012, so I have time respond to everyone and its gives people time to finish reading.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: The magical world of Harry Potter belongs solely to J.K. Rowling.

Author's Note: A rabid plot bunny wanted out… I wanted to do this since watching the fourth movie. This takes place during Voldemort's rebirthing. There will be OOCness… that is what makes it humorous.

The Best Laid Plans of Lord Voldemort

From his vantage point at the tombstone of Tom Riddle, Voldemort's muggle father, Harry watched in horror as Wormtail brought what had first held the appearance of a baby into sight. However, Harry soon realized after the searing pain that emitted from his scar that Wormtail held no baby. The former Marauder placed the bundle that contained the misshapen body into a stone cauldron. A soft noise echoed from the cauldron as the body hit the bottom.

Harry had a sneaking suspicion that tonight was not going to be his night. Silently, he hoped that the creature would drown, though he knew that it was pointless to hope since bad events always seemed to happen to him. It was inconceivable that something would go right. His sensation of dread heightened when Wormtail began a ritual that so far was sounding very gruesome.

"Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son!" Wormtail's shaking voice carried across the eerie graveyard.

Harry watched this silently wondering what bones could possibly do to revive one body deprived Dark Lord.

Wormtail began to whimper as he reached the second part of his duty. From his robes, he removed a long silver dagger from his cloak. By now, he was bawling.

"Flesh… from the servant-."

"Oh, get on with it!" Voldemort shouted from within the cauldron, starting to become extremely agitated. "Don't be such a pansy!"

"Willingly given, you will revive your master." The now pale man finished his sentence by cutting off his right arm. His scream was deafening.

Harry's face stretched in disgust. 'I would have left Voldemort a long time ago.' He thought silently. 'What can he possibly do to stop his servants from fleeing? He's just a wrinkled… I don't know what he is.' He would ponder this further.

Wormtail gasps for breath did not stop him from completing his task. His attention now rested on Harry. The youth did not like what he saw in Wormtail's eyes, and braced himself for the worst.

"Blood of the enemy forcibly taken, you will resurrect your foe."

Harry suddenly felt relief even as Wormtail approached him. "That's ok. I will freely give you my blood."

"What-." Wormtail stuttered in shock.

Voldemort by now in his incomplete form was now peering over the cauldron's rim with an expression that was hard to describe. Harry, however, was certain that it was one of bewilderment.

"I love donating blood." Harry stated smiling. "I like how they hand out free bottles of water and a tee-shirt. Sometimes they even have these mugs that say 'Give Life'. So what are you, guys, handing out?"

Voldemort dumbly shook his head. "You can't do this!"

"If you aren't handing anything out you must be really cheap." Harry said completely oblivious to Voldemort's desperation.

"This is my rebirthing party!" Voldemort wailed angrily. "You are supposed to do as I want!"

"Are you going to cry?" Harry asked in disgust. "Can you even cry with those eyes?" Harry tilted his head as he examined the Dark Lord's alien-like face, considering the aspect of tear ducts.

"You are not supposed to just _freely_ give me your blood!" Voldemort shouted. "It just is not done that way! No one in their right mind wants to revive their foe!"

"The Red Cross does not distinguish between good and evil." Harry said smartly. "Besides, it's not my fault that I like to donate blood!"

Voldemort hit his forehead with his right hand. "Wormtail, hand me my wand, and don't get blood all over it. Blood is so hard to clean… though I hear Vodka does miracles." Voldemort's voice trailed off as he contemplated about the wonders of Vodka. 'Who would have thought rotten potatoes could do so much.'

"Yes, Master." Wormtail said as he obediently carried out his master's demands.

Once the wand was held awkwardly in his hands, Voldemort sent one more withering look at Harry. His red eyes narrowed in rage. "_Avada Kedavra_!" The Dark Lord yelled. He watched with little pleasure as the light left Harry's eyes. This was not the way he had imaged his rebirthing to go. Now he would not have the protection that Lily Evans had left her son. 'How was I to know the boy was a dedicated blood donor?' Voldemort brooded. "So much for the Boy Who Lived."

"Now what, Master?" Wormtail prodded half afraid to get a response.

The Dark Lord looked at his minion. "Well, your not getting an arm now that is for sure."

"How was I-."

"Shut-up, Wormtail." Voldemort cut of the rodent's excuses. Biting his lower lip, the Dark Lord was close to hating himself over how rash he had been concerning the second boy. "Maybe I should not have been too hasty about getting rid of the spare…"

Wormtail dumbly nodded his head.

"_Crucio_." Voldemort ignored the screams. His brow creased in thought. "I will find a better substitute for Potter." He lifted the torture curse so Wormtail would hear his new plan. "Wormtail, you will bring me… Albus Dumbledore."

"How am I going to do that?"

Voldemort frowned. Wormtail was right. 'Why are all my servants so useless? Next on my list after getting my body back… will be a company purge.' He wished he could cry, but Dark Lords just did not cry. 'How did this happen! Why am I stuck with him… of all the morons… he was the one to return!'

"My Lord, are you alright?" Wormtail asked quietly when he saw his Lord's pinched face, which made his face even more hideous to behold.

"Yes." Voldemort lied. Then an idea suddenly hit him. One that even Wormtail should not even be able to bungle. "Try using special brownies… the fool always had a weakness for sweats. Once he is on a high, he should go with you easily enough." Voldemort felt slightly better.

"Of course, Master. I will return after I have given Dumbledore his last dance with Mary Jane."

"I have..." Voldemort paused. 'What do I have in him… it is definitely not faith.' Swallowing, the Dark Lord continued. "Just go."

Voldemort sank back into the cauldron after Wormtail had left. His shoulders sagged when he realized that he could be waiting in this cauldron forever. The contents were starting to get cold. After several minutes had passed, he began to languish once more.

"This was the worst rebirthing ever."

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you all enjoyed. 


	2. Signing off AN

After much thought, I have decided to remove all my fanfiction. This is something I have toyed around with for years since having dealt with so many negative aspects and drama on this site.

The final awakening came in the form of a review:

"But your writing style is just not good. Sometimes it seams like you were just  
telling us a plot you came up with instead of actually writing a real story  
with such plot. I'm glad she copied your idea, her plot was worse and I wish  
she copied your work fully cause she actually knows how to write a  
novel-length fanfiction."

It was a wake-up call. I am tired of having my writing judged on something that I wrote in 2006. A lot has changed since 2006. I finished college and am now writing for a living and it is a good living.

I know people keep sending me emails about "Becoming Human" and here is the thing: I tried to finish it for you guys, I really did, but I just could not go back to writing Harry Potter fanfiction. There are just too many bad memories, which led to a major block, and it is just too confining. I just can't go back to writing something that is not my own – it just isn't going to happen. Another stumbling block has been by writing has matured and changed so much since I wrote it. I give all those who wanted to see the end of that particular story my sincerest apologies.

I would like to thank all my followers and those who have left such great reviews especially those who offered great constructive criticism aimed at sincerely helping me improve my craft.

I will be removing all three stories ("A Shattered Prophecy," "Becoming Human" and "The Best Laid Plans of Lord Voldemort") by either June 3 or June 4.

Project Dark Overlord signing off.


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